I Might Just Disappear
by Kalcifier
Summary: Shuichi tried not to let being dead concern him. This plan worked right until his apartment got a new tenant.
1. Something I Can't Reach

Shuichi didn't remember his death. He didn't remember the first few days after it, either, but trying to remember those felt like trying to remember being a baby. There was too much of a disconnect between who he was then and who he was now.

Trying to remember dying felt like a runaway train of thought hitting a wall.

He was a little concerned by the way his mind froze up anytime he tried to remember it, but it was a great excuse not to think about the fact that he was dead. Judging by his current emotional state, he'd come to terms with it sometime in those first few days, and he was willing to accept that. Giving himself a panic attack over something he couldn't change didn't sound like much fun.

Incidentally, he could confirm that ghosts could have panic attacks. It didn't seem fair. He didn't even need to breathe anymore, but he was still perfectly capable of freaking himself out until he felt like he was suffocating. But it wasn't like his brain had ever played fair when he was alive, so he supposed it made sense. Even if he didn't technically have a brain anymore.

The reason he knew panic attacks were still a thing went back to those first forgotten days. He'd come out of them with a basic understanding of the rules of his existence: he could interact with objects if he concentrated, he was visible in mirrors but not to living people unless he chose to be, and he couldn't leave his apartment building.

He had of course decided to test that last one. Spending eternity inside a single building might have sounded good when he was alive, but now that it was a reality, he'd quickly gotten bored. It made sense to know exactly what he was capable of anyway.

He'd started to feel uncomfortable by the time he reached the lobby. He'd pressed on, for whatever reason, and barely made it out of the building before the panic had set in. He'd ended up curled on the floor of the lobby, trying to force air into his nonexistent lungs.

One good thing about being a ghost was that no one could see him embarrassing himself like that.

After that fiasco, he mostly stuck to his apartment. It wasn't the most exciting place to be, all of his stuff moved out already, but it was comfortable. The farthest he went was into the surrounding apartments to read books or play with pets while the owners were out.

Mostly, though, he drifted. Ghosts couldn't sleep, exactly, but he could relax his consciousness and let hours pass by in a daze. It was nice.

But the apartment couldn't stay empty forever. It was conveniently close to someplace, he thought, and the rent probably hadn't been too high. Prospective renters kept coming by to look it over. Shuichi tried to stay out of their way and away from mirrors for their visits.

Then the day came when someone moved in. The click of a key in the lock jolted him into focus. The next thing he knew, a group of people with boxes filled the apartment. They looked to be about Shuichi's age, and as far as he was concerned, they were way too excited for people about to spend the day moving.

"Wow, Kaede," the one with blue hair said. "This place is a lot bigger than I expected."

"I know!" the one who was apparently Kaede said. She set down her box and looked around. "I was convinced there had to be something wrong with it, with how low the rent was, but everything looks fine to me."

The shortest of the group smirked. "Maybe someone died here."

Shuichi pressed himself farther into the corner. He didn't know if he'd actually died in the apartment, but either way, it didn't seem like a good time to risk accidentally revealing himself.

His wariness only grew when the last person chimed in. "If this place does turn out to be haunted, let me know. I'd be happy to beat up a ghost for you, and then we can call Yumeno and have her perform an exorcism."

Shuichi probably should have taken that as his cue to leave. He didn't know if an exorcism would work on him, and he preferred to keep it that way.

He didn't really want to go, though. This was his apartment, even if someone else lived there. This stranger didn't have the right to kick him out. It was his.

Kaede laughed, and Shuichi's attention snapped back to the scene at hand. "Thank you, Tenko, but I'm sure I'll be fine."

"If you say so." Tenko shrugged, then set down her box. "In that case, should we start bringing up the furniture?"

"Yeah, probably." Kaede stretched her arms. "Maki, you're strong. You're going to come make sure I don't break anything, right?"

"I make no promises."

"And I'm just going to stand around and look pretty," the blue-haired one said. Shuichi took a moment to regret the life choices that made him even think of using the word 'blunette'.

"Nice try," Kaede said. "You get to carry my sheet music."

The other girl made a face. "How much did you bring?"

"Not that much." Kaede's friends looked dubious. "No, really! You should have seen how much I left behind. But what I do have is the important stuff, which is why Sayaka is carrying it. You're a musician too, so I know I can trust you."

Sayaka nodded. "You can count on me, right up until my arms give out under the weight of all that paper."

"Good enough for me." Kaede raised her fists in a motivating gesture. It was effective enough that Shuichi took a step forward before remembering that he was still trying to be inconspicuous and also was dead. "Let's get to work!"

Kaede's friends made noises of agreement and filed out of the apartment.

Several hours later, they were looking distinctly less motivated. Their work showed, though, in the number of boxes and assorted objects scattered throughout the apartment.

Shuichi hadn't contributed, of course, but he'd found himself enjoying hovering nearby and listening to them talk. It was a nice change of pace from the silence that had defined his death. The fact that he was listening in without contributing did feel a little creepy, but it was also strangely familiar. He got the impression he'd done it a lot when he was alive.

Everything was great until Kaede's friends left. Then it was just Kaede, looking at the sea of boxes with dread on her face, and Shuichi, looking at Kaede with a similar expression. Being the roommate someone didn't know about had so much potential for awkwardness.

Kaede immediately proved Shuichi's point by talking to herself. "All right," she said, "You've got this. Unpacking can't be as bad as packing was. And you'll be able to use your stuff again, and that will be good. So come on. Let's go."

She stayed where she was for another beat. Finally, she gave in with a groan and tore open the nearest box.

Shuichi decided that was a good time to sink back into his standard spectral semiconsciousness. He didn't have any desire to go through Kaede's things, even if it was Kaede who was doing the actual unpacking.

Still, he thought hazily as his form began to blur. It would be nice to have someone there for a change.


	2. Don't Need No Halloween

Kaede settled into the apartment with no trouble. Shuichi tried to help as best he could, which mostly translated to staying out of her way. Just about anything else he did would be the opposite of comforting.

He didn't disappear altogether, though. He was still too attached to the place for that. He started out by treating his apartment the way he had the neighbors', waiting for Kaede to leave before messing with her things at his leisure. He only imposed two rules on himself. He refused to turn on the TV or anything, mindful of Kaede's electricity bill, and he stayed out of her room in an effort to grant her some privacy.

Generally, neither was particularly difficult. He read the books she'd bring home and stack without ever shelving. He played around with Kaede's keyboard, though he couldn't read the sheet music. He was content.

But contentment and comfort made it easy for Shuichi to let his guard down. He stopped being quite so vigilant about not interfering with Kaede's life. He learned that she liked having background noise, for instance, often music but occasionally TV. She cared more that there was sound than what that sound was. Once Shuichi realized how little attention she paid to it, he began to intervene.

It wasn't much. He'd nudge a CD into view, change the channel when she left the room. He didn't know what exactly what he was looking for. He felt like he'd watched the news some, before, but there didn't seem to be much point in keeping up with current events when they couldn't affect him. It would only remind him of what he was missing.

Instead, he flipped around at random, stopping on whatever caught his eye. This meant he ended up watching a lot of pop science. He'd never considered how saltwater taffy was made, but seeing the machines in action was fascinating.

Even better were the times that Kaede decided to watch a movie. The plots were self-contained enough that Shuichi could safely get invested, and even if the movie itself was boring, Kaede herself wasn't. She was the sort of person who reacted to everything onscreen as if she herself had an audience, gesturing wildly and yelling at the characters when she got particularly invested. Watching her was as much fun as the movie itself.

It was an arrangement that suited them both, up until the night Kaede got it in her head to watch a movie with a dog on the cover. Shuichi knew as soon as he saw it that it was going to be a mistake.

Sure enough, by the time the credits began, tears were rolling down Kaede's face. "He just wanted to protect her…" she whispered.

Shuichi was sniffling himself, but he had to work to hold back laughter. Kaede sounded so betrayed. He had to wonder what she'd expected.

She finally stood up and, rubbing her eyes, went straight back to her room. The half-empty bowl of popcorn was abandoned on the coffee table, as were the unwashed dishes from her dinner.

Shuichi looked at them. The dishes did not react. He tried to talk himself out of doing something silly. Staying hidden was working out for him so far.

But he'd enjoyed living with Kaede, and he wanted to do something for her for once. It wasn't like this one thing would make her jump to the conclusion that the apartment was haunted. She'd probably assume she'd done it herself and forgotten about it.

Just to be sure, Shuichi listened to make sure Kaede had gone to bed. There didn't seem to be any sound coming from her room, at least.

Good enough for him. He was going to do the dishes.

It went about as he'd have expected. The most interesting part was the dissonance of going through practiced motions he had no memory of ever performing. He wouldn't have called it fun or anything. But it was remarkably satisfying. It had been a while since he'd allowed himself to have a lasting effect on anything. It was nice to know he still existed to the world, even if he was dead.

He felt the water cooling under his fingers and realized he'd been caught up in thought. He scrubbed the plate one last time and left it to dry.

After that night, he kept finding excuses to do small chores. He tried to give Kaede the benefit of the doubt, to let things sit if she seemed likely to come back to them later. Things that had been sitting out for a while or that were clearly unnecessary were fair game.

It wasn't a huge change or anything. Kaede was fairly neat to begin with, and she spent a lot of time in her room anyway. But Shuichi enjoyed feeling like his presence was improving her life in some small way.

He was ready to settle into this new routine. It was good, the best he'd had since dying. He'd sharpen his awareness right after Kaede left the house and look around for something to do before leaving to hang out somewhere else.

Then he "woke up" to find a notebook lying open on the kitchen counter. He drifted over to check if Kaede would need it later, only for the contents of the page to catch his eye.

"Hi!" the paper said. "I feel a little silly writing this, but I've noticed some things recently and I figured this was worth a shot.

"So if you're reading this, could you introduce yourself? It would be nice to know that I'm not crazy, for one thing. And if you do exist, I need to have something to call you other than 'the mysterious being that lives in my apartment and does my chores when I'm not looking.' There are a weird number of things that are supposed to do that, according to the internet.

"Anyway, I'm looking forward to hearing from you! Feel free to just write a response under this message. It's not like I was doing much with this notebook before now.

"Your impromptu landlord,

"Kaede."

Shuichi read the note. Then he read it again, trying to convince himself that he'd missed something. He'd been careful, he'd been willing to stay hidden. It was so much simpler.

But he hadn't been careful enough, and now everything was going to change yet again. Sure, he could just ignore the note, but then he'd have to go back to not doing anything, and he didn't want that. And Kaede deserved the truth.

He picked up the pen she'd left by the notebook and rolled it between his fingers, trying to decide what to write. There was no good way to explain that you were haunting somebody.

"Sorry," he finally wrote. "I didn't mean to freak you out. I'll leave you alone." He considered offering to leave altogether, but there didn't seem to be much point. He'd only create a problem for someone else. Besides, this was his apartment. If anything, he was doing Kaede a favor by staying in the background. It would be so simple to assert his presence and drive her away. The apartment would be all his again, he could take it over and do whatever he wanted, no one could stop her –

He shook his head. Why would he want to do that? He'd had enough of being alone to last a lifetime. Or whatever the equivalent was for a ghost, he guessed.

Shuichi tapped the pen against his lips, trying to refocus, but he couldn't think of anything else to add. He ended up just signing his name at the bottom. Then he floated into a neighboring apartment to play with their cat. It sounded much simpler than trying to be a person.


	3. It's All Right 'Cause I'm With Friends

In a perfect world, he'd have been willing to leave it there. He would have found ways to occupy himself until Kaede went to bed, and go back to not really crossing paths with her. Things would have ended as simply as they'd begun.

Unfortunately for him, he was absolutely terrible at letting things go. He ended up spending the next few hours drifting in and out of his apartment, trying to find something else to occupy him for those few hours until Kaede got back and saw his response. Had days always been this long?

He ended up sitting at the kitchen counter and letting his mind wander. He didn't expect to be able to relax, but managed to distract himself enough to flinch at the sound of the door opening. Kaede came in in a rush, dropping her backpack in the entrance with her shoes and rushing over to the counter. Shuichi took a step back just in case. Kaede had only walked through him once before, but it had not been a pleasant experience for either of them.

To his surprise, Kaede barely glanced at the notebook. Admittedly, there wasn't that much to read, but she didn't seem to take it in at all. Instead she went over to the refrigerator and pulled a camera out from on top of it.

Shuichi blinked. It was a good plan, and he probably should have thought of it. He was too impressed to be particularly dismayed about it. Besides, he didn't actually know if he'd even show up on camera.

He came up behind Kaede to look at the screen with her. It looked like she'd had it filming all day, which had to take up a lot of memory. It looked like a nice camera, though. He wondered where she'd gotten it.

And he was getting off-topic. He refocused his attention to the screen, where Kaede was stepping back to admire her handiwork. The real Kaede began forwarding through the video until Shuichi came into frame.

It turned out that the answer to whether he appeared on video was "kind of." The figure in the video was a fuzzy dark-blueish blob in a roughly humanoid shape. It picked up the pen and caused that to blur as well.

Shuichi really didn't understand the logic behind that, but just as he was about to accept it, the image began to sharpen. His face was still indistinct, but it was now possible to distinguish his clothing from his skin. His mouth opened just enough to bare his teeth. The air around him seemed to darken.

Then he shook his head, and his form fuzzed back into a blob.

Shuichi backed away from the camera, eyes wide. That was new. He wondered what Kaede would have seen if she'd been there at the time, and was suddenly very glad that he'd agreed to stay out of her way.

Kaede, for her part, was looking a little pale. She seemed surprised to have captured anything on film, and what she had gotten wasn't exactly reassuring.

She rallied remarkably quickly. She turned back to the notebook still lying on the kitchen counter and actually read Shuichi's addition. Shuichi fought the urge to fidget, feeling that unique brand of awkwardness that comes from having someone looking at something you've created while you're right there. He wanted to leave the room, but at this point he kind of owed Kaede the answers to any questions she had regarding the whole "haunted apartment" thing. Hopefully that would be enough to get her to stop trying to contact him.

"All right," Kaede said after another minute. "Shuichi? You don't seem to be dangerous, so if it's all right with you, I want to talk. I want to know more about you if we're going to be roommates."

Shuichi steeled himself, then fully materialized.

Kaede took an involuntarily step back. Her face was very pale, and Shuichi tried not to wince. This was exactly what he'd been trying to avoid. It was too late to change his mind, though, so he just smiled awkwardly. "Hi." He immediately wished he'd come up with something cooler to use as an opening, but to be fair, he was kind of out of practice with this whole social interaction thing. "Um, you said you had questions?"

"Uh, yeah." Kaede stepped forward again. "First of all, nice to meet you. It's good to see that you're not just some crazy guy living in my house." She paused and made a face. "Good for me at least. I guess you might prefer that to this."

Shuichi shrugged. It was weird to admit, but he'd gotten used to being dead. He didn't say that, though. He didn't need to freak Kaede out more than she already was. What he actually said was, "To be fair, you still don't have any proof that I'm not crazy."

"You've been stuck with me for a month and the worst you've done is do my chores when I was too lazy to. I think I can trust you." She shook her head. "I'm getting off topic. You're a ghost, right? Is there something you need me to do to let you move on or whatever?"

"Not that I know of? I don't actually know why I'm still here." Shuichi looked away. "I'm sorry.

"No, you're fine! I just wanted to make sure you weren't trapped here or something." Kaede paused. "Okay, my other questions are going to be really nosy, so let me know if I cross a line. But how old are you? Why are you haunting this apartment? Do you have any cool ghost powers other than invisibility?"

"I don't know how old I was before, but probably college age? And I've only been dead a few months, so that should still be pretty accurate. I think this is where I lived before, but I don't know why I'm stuck here specifically. As for cool powers…" He shrugged. "I can walk through walls, disappear, and fly, but that's about it. And flying isn't very impressive when I can't leave the building."

"It's more than I can do, so I'm impressed. You don't need to sell yourself short like that." Kaede smiled. "Anyway, that's probably enough prying for the moment. I still want to try to figure out some ground rules, now that I know we're living together."

"You don't have to worry about that," Shuichi said. "Like I said, I'll leave you alone. If you want, I'll leave the apartment altogether whenever you're home."

"What?" Kaede frowned. "That doesn't seem fair. You were here first."

"And you can see how well that worked for me."

"That's not really your fault, and from the sounds of it, neither is you being here now." Kaede shook her head. "If you really feel like you need to leave, I can't stop you. But I'd be happy to have you stay. You seem nice, and how many people can say they're friends with a ghost?"

Shuichi bit his lip. The easiest thing to do would be to disappear right now, before Kaede realized he was the least cool ghost imaginable. He really didn't need to get used to human interaction again right before she decided he wasn't worth it and started ignoring him.

But she seemed sincere about wanting him around, and it would be really nice to have someone to talk to.

"Okay," Shuichi said. He wasn't going to give himself the chance to overthink this yet again. "What did you have in mind?"

Kaede beamed, and they set to work figuring things out.

As far as Shuichi was concerned, nothing much would change. He'd still keep out of Kaede's room and do small household tasks for her. They worked out a system for Kaede to indicate when she wanted him to put something away, though she said she'd try to avoid abusing it.

Kaede asked if he wanted anything from her, but he couldn't think of anything. Just being acknowledged was more than he thought he'd get, and he was still a little convinced that it was going to fall apart.

In the meantime, though, he had the password to Kaede's Netflix account and permission to choose the next movie for movie night.

All of that settled, Kaede retreated to her room, citing homework. Shuichi sat in the kitchen and stared at the wall for a while. Maybe that would make the day's events sink in.

When that didn't work, he decided to take his mind off of it and start thinking about what sort of movie to choose. A comedy, he thought, something light-hearted to get things off to a good start.

The realization crept up on him while he was thinking. Once it hit, he wasn't sure how to react.

It was the first time since he'd died that he had something to look forward to.


	4. Something That Can Wash Out the Pain

As it turned out, Kaede talked even more during movies when there was someone there to listen. The first few times, she'd tried to pause it, but that just meant it took them five minutes to see a minute of action. Finally she shook her head. "This isn't working," she said. "I'll let you watch the movie."

Shuichi shrugged. "I don't mind," he said. "If I wanted to watch it in silence, I could watch it by myself. And I'm pretty sure I can keep up with the plot."

"If you're sure. I mean, this is pretty sophisticated stuff." Kaede gestured to the screen, where puppets were singing about kidnapping children.

"You're right, but I think I can handle it. I'll let you know if it's a problem," Shuichi said.

Kaede still looked a little dubious, but that didn't stop her from commenting on everything that caught her eye. Shuichi was pretty sure he was missing a third of the movie. He couldn't say he minded, though. By the end he was making tentative observations of his own.

After that, he started getting more comfortable manifesting when Kaede was around. She'd started calling a greeting when she got home, and Shuichi managed to stop instinctively vanishing when he heard it. It felt almost domestic. Admittedly, about half the time Kaede went straight to her room after that, but that suited Shuichi fine. It wasn't like he had anything interesting to talk about. Just having someone acknowledge his presence was enough.

He did hear a lot about Kaede's life. He'd already gathered bits and pieces of it from sharing the apartment, but hearing it straight from her gave it new meaning. He learned why she went to that one coffee shop so frequently and which of her professors was her favorite. He got to hear her petty complaints after long days and funny anecdotes over meals. It made Kaede seem so real, so alive.

Shuichi tried to reciprocate, but it only made him more painfully aware that he was dead. His stories were limited to the same few rooms. He couldn't even come up with something to complain about, because nothing ever changed. Thinking about it made him feel cold.

But it was fine. Things were good. Better than they had been before, definitely.

It didn't take him long to come up with a way to prove it to himself. All he needed was a break in the routine, and if it made Kaede smile, so much the better.

He waited until he knew Kaede had a particularly stressful exam. Once she was out the door, he grabbed a bag of chocolate chips that he'd noticed in the back of a cupboard. As he'd hoped, there was a recipe on the back. Reading it filled him with determination.

He was going to make cookies from scratch.

It was possible this wasn't the big deal he was making it out to be, but to be fair, he had no memories of so much as microwaving leftovers. He would be pleased as long as he could produce something vaguely edible.

Things went fine at first. The microwave flickered ominously as Shuichi melted the butter, but nothing seemed broken, and the butter itself was fine. He added sugar and eggs with no trouble. The mixture began to resemble cookie dough.

Then he moved on to the next ingredient, at which point he realized that he had a problem. Kaede didn't have any flour.

He went through the cupboards again to be sure. Flour did not magically appear for him. Neither did anything that looked like a flour substitute, and it wasn't like he knew enough about baking to risk making substitutions anyway.

Which left him with a dilemma. He didn't want to waste the ingredients he'd used so far, or to have created a mess for no reason. He didn't know how well half-finished cookie dough would keep. And he'd really wanted this to be a surprise, which wouldn't be possible if he had to ask Kaede to buy flour.

A thought occurred to him. As much as he hated the idea, it seemed like there was only one thing to do. He was going to have to steal from a neighbor.

He rubbed the handle of the measuring cup nervously. It would be fine. Flour probably wasn't very expensive, and he wouldn't be taking very much anyway. He could split it between several people so they wouldn't notice. And even if they did, what would they do? It wasn't like they'd think to blame a ghost, or that they could track him down.

Shuichi kept running through reassurances the entire time he was in the other apartments. It didn't help that he had to search each kitchen, even if he was invisible the whole time. He nearly died for a second time when one of the cats made a noise behind him.

But he succeeded in getting the flour he needed, and was able to move on. By that point, he was just as glad to have something to do with his leftover nervous energy. These cookies were going to be ridiculously well mixed.

The cookies made it into the oven without any more major mishaps. The smell of them baking was almost worth the stress.

Kaede came back not much later. "I'm home!" she called. She sounded tired.

"Welcome back," Shuichi said, looking up from the book he'd been attempting to read. He tried to act casual.

He was gratified when Kaede's face lit up. "Something smells amazing. Shuichi, did you…?"

Shuichi laughed awkwardly. "I knew you had an exam today, so I thought it might be nice."

"You are wonderful and I appreciate you deeply." Kaede set down her bag so she could take a cookie. "They're still warm! This just made my day a million times better, thank you so much."

"It was no problem." Shuichi looked away, a little embarrassed. He didn't even know if they were any good. Still, he enjoyed Kaede's hyperbolic praise. The way she smiled after biting into one was even better.

He waited until she'd finished her cookie to confess. "You do need to buy flour, though."

Kaede's brow furrowed. "Wait. Did I have flour in the first place?"

"Um." Shuichi swallowed. "I may have borrowed some from the neighbors."

Kaede burst out laughing. "I'm sorry," she said, fighting for breath. "You just looked so guilty about it. No one is going to care about a cup of flour."

"I know." Shuichi sighed. "It's dumb, I'm sorry."

"Nah, you're fine. I'll just add it to the shopping list." Kaede did so, taking another cookie in the process. "Have you had one of these yet? Or…" she trailed off.

"I don't think I can." Shuichi shuffled his feet. "I'm glad you like them, though."

"That's weird. I mean, you can touch things, so you should be able to put one in your mouth, right?"

"I guess?" He thought for a moment. "I don't know, I've never tried it. It wasn't the sort of thing I'd think to test."

Kaede shrugged. "Fair enough. That just means I get them all to myself."

She changed the subject after that, and Shuichi went with it. There was no point in dwelling on all the things he couldn't do. Sitting here listening to Kaede was enough. It had to be.


	5. Emptier than Anybody Knows

As far as Shuichi could tell, it came out of nowhere. They were sitting in the living room at the time. Kaede was doing homework, and Shuichi was watching TV with the volume down, having checked half a dozen times to make sure it wasn't too distracting. Kaede finished a problem and stretched her arms over her head. Then she asked, "How would you feel about meeting my friends?"

"What?" Shuichi worked to process the apparent non-sequitur. "That sounds like a terrible idea for so many reasons."

"Really? How come?" Kaede asked. "I mean, it feels weird that I don't ever talk about you. And I'm sure they'll all love you, so you don't have to worry about that."

Shuichi struggled to find an objection that wasn't his terror at the prospect of human interaction. "But they're your friends. I don't want to intrude."

"I literally suggested it, so you wouldn't be intruding on anything." Kaede frowned down at her paper and began to erase something.

Shuichi fiddled with the remote. "But won't they mind?"

"Why would they? You're great." She wrote in something else, apparently unconcerned.

Shuichi chose not to focus on the compliment, since that would just sidetrack him. There were more important things to discuss than his questionable self-esteem. "I'm kind of a ghost," he said. "There's no way they'll just accept that."

Kaede brightened. "Actually, that's part of why I'm suggesting it. Halloween is coming up, right?" Shuichi nodded as if he had any grasp on the passage of time. "I was planning to invite some people over for it. You don't have to show yourself, but imagine having a Halloween party with an actual ghost."

"That's…" Shuichi was pretty sure that was the plot of a horror movie. The worst part was that he was still a little tempted. "What did you have in mind?"

"Nothing major. I was thinking that I could get out a Ouija board, you could do some spooky ghost things and freak everyone out, and then we explain the situation." She grinned. "It'll be fun. Besides, that way you won't have to worry about making a good first impression. There's no way they'll forget having a ghost show up like that."

Shuichi hated that that was the most compelling argument yet. He refused to be swayed, though. "Isn't that kind of mean?"

"Maybe a little, but once they calm down they'll think it's hilarious too." She looked him in the eyes. "What do you say?"

Shuichi pretended to think about it, but he knew he'd already lost. There was no way he could say no to something Kaede was so excited about.

Besides, there was a chance it wouldn't go horribly. It might even be fun. And if not, at least he wouldn't have to deal with the aftermath.

"Okay," he said. "When do you want to do it?"

Kaede explained her plans in more detail. They turned out to be remarkably simple. She was only inviting five people, and Shuichi was a little surprised to realize he recognized all of them. He hadn't thought he'd been that engaged in her social life. But Tenko, Maki, and Sayaka had all been there to help Kaede move in, and Rantaro and Ibuki had come over since for study sessions and other random hangouts.

The day of the party came in what felt like no time at all. Kaede greeted the guests with her usual cheer, made small talk, and generally did a good job of acting like she didn't have anything up her sleeve. Shuichi had the objectively easier job of staying hidden until it was time. He was still half convinced he was going to find a way to screw it up.

Once the party was in full swing, Kaede found a way to bring up the Ouija board. Most of the group seemed up for it. Tenko wasn't thrilled, but she was balanced out by Ibuki's ridiculous enthusiasm, and so the board came out anyway.

Everyone gathered around the coffee table in a loose approximation of circle, hands on the planchette. Shuichi did his best to get close without brushing up against anyone.

Kaede, as owner of the board, took the lead. "To any spirits who may be present," she intoned, "please, join us here. We wish to speak with you."

Shuichi shoved the planchette to HELLO. Sayaka gasped, and Ibuki laughed slightly manically. Even Rantaro raised an eyebrow in disbelief.

"Thank you," Kaede said. "We appreciate your cooperation. Now then, if you don't mind, could you tell us how many spirits are here?" She filled the sentences with dramatic emphasis and meaningful pauses.

The stalling gave Shuichi enough time to reach the light switch. When she finished, he switched it off. He flicked it back and forth a few times for good measure.

Tenko let out a strangled scream. Ibuki did the same, though it was hard to tell if she was scared or just wanted an excuse to scream. Maki was looking around warily, as if something was going to jump out at any second. Shuichi supposed she wasn't exactly wrong.

Kaede waited for things to die down. Then, before anyone had time to object, she addressed the air once again. "That was very rude of you," she said. "We just want to know who we're dealing with."

Shuichi took a deep breath. The motion was comforting, no matter how unnecessary. He would swear he could feel his heart hammering in his chest.

But it was too late to back out now. He closed his eyes, told himself to look scary, and manifested.

Tenko and Ibuki immediately started screaming again. Shuichi hoped he'd be audible over them. "I am Shuichi Saihara, and this is my apartment!"

Sayaka joined the screaming. Maki was very pale, and she'd pulled a knife from somewhere. Rantaro looked ready to run.

Good. This was how it should be. They were right to fear Shuichi, and he was going to show them why, they would rue the day they set foot in this building.

He noticed that Kaede's eyes were very wide. Her mouth was moving, but no sound came out.

A wave of guilt washed through him. This was supposed to be a joke, but he'd managed to worry Kaede somehow. He disappeared before he could make things worse.

The screaming tapered off. After a moment of silence, Kaede started to laugh. "Okay, that was great," she said. "My neighbors are going to kill me, but it was so worth it."

Maki crossed her arms. "Was this all a prank?" She glared, but she couldn't quite hide a smile. "I'm impressed. I didn't think you had it in you."

"That was super cool!" Ibuki was practically vibrating in her seat. "This is the best Halloween ever!"

"Haha," Tenko said. She sounded unamused. "A little warning next time?"

"Yeah, that would be nice." Rantaro shrugged. "That said, it was pretty cool. How did you manage it?"

"About that." Kaede looked at the space a few feet to the left of where Shuichi was. "Everyone, I want you to meet my roommate, Shuichi."

Shuichi obligingly stepped left and then reappeared. Thankfully, there was no screaming this time, though from Tenko's expression it was a close thing. "Hello," he said awkwardly.

"Kaede, what the fuck," Sayaka said.

"To be fair, it's not her fault I'm here," Shuichi began.

Kaede waved him off. "Yeah, no, I deserve that. But I promise, he's not at all scary. He's mostly just a nerd."

Before Shuichi could decide how to take that, Ibuki was in his face. He fought the urge to disappear again. "So you aren't going to eat our brains or steal our souls or anything?" she asked.

"No! I wouldn't even know how to."

Rantaro pulled Ibuki back before sticking out a hand. "In that case, nice to meet you. I'm Rantaro Amami."

That was enough to break the ice. Everyone started talking at once, introducing themselves and asking questions. It was a little overwhelming.

But they settled down soon enough, and before long Shuichi started enjoying himself. Kaede's friends were remarkably accommodating. Even Tenko, after making a comment about not trusting a degenerate male in Kaede's home, was nice enough. It felt almost like having friends of his own.

Still, he was relieved when the last of them left and the apartment was quiet again. He was ready to not be conscious for a while.

Before he could fade away, though, Kaede turned to him with an expectant expression. "So, what did you think?"

"It was a lot of fun," Shuichi said. "Everyone was really nice."

"I'm glad! They all seemed to like you too, but that wasn't really a surprise." She hesitated. "And… are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah?" Shuichi blinked. "Why?"

"It's just." Kaede swallowed. "When you first appeared, and everyone was freaking out, you looked different." She waited for Shuichi to react, but when he didn't, she looked away. "There was a knife sticking out of your stomach, and blood all down your shirt. I was really worried."

Shuichi suddenly felt very cold. It took him a while to realize that Kaede was calling his name. "I'm fine," he said automatically. The words felt strange coming out of his mouth, like he was watching as a stranger took over to say them. He fought to anchor himself back to the present. He reached out to touch the coffee table, only for his hand to pass right through.

Kaede reached out to touch him, only to stop, her hand hovering a few inches away from his arm. "Are you sure? I'm not going to push, but if you want to talk about it, I'm here."

"It's fine," Shuichi repeated. This time he managed to make contact with the table. "There's nothing to talk about. I mean, I don't remember it anyway." He drummed his fingers, focusing on the sensation of impact and not the phantom pain in his stomach.

"Okay," Kaede said. "If you say so. I'll leave you alone, then. But Shuichi?" He forced himself to meet her eyes. "You don't have to be fine. Whatever happened to you, it must have been terrible, and you're allowed to be upset about it. Even if you don't remember."

She smiled, and then finally she went to her room. The instant her door closed, Shuichi let himself sink back into nothingness.


	6. Each Night Falls and Away I Run

There were occasional perks to being dead. Shuichi didn't need to spend time unconscious, but he also didn't need to spend time awake. He could let an entire day pass without coming back to consciousness even once.

After the Halloween party, he took full advantage of that fact. He was dimly aware of Kaede moving throughout the apartment, but he really didn't feel like talking to her. He wasn't looking forward to dealing with it on his own. It didn't help that as soon as he thought about it, some traitorous part of his mind would remind him that this was all his fault, that he couldn't even enjoy a party without ruining everything.

He avoided it by sinking deeper into nothingness.

It wasn't until the apartment was still that he risked reappearing. The sun was bright, and Kaede's bags were gone, so she'd probably gone back to class. Given that the party had been on a Saturday, that meant Shuichi had been hiding from reality for 36 hours.

His first impulse was to vanish again. It wasn't like anything had changed, and the clamor in his mind was only growing louder the more awake he got.

But he was going to have to face the truth eventually. He was dead, had probably been murdered, and nothing he could do would change that. He might as well finish falling apart while Kaede wasn't around to worry about him.

He promptly did so. It was probably cathartic, but he was a little preoccupied by the way everything was closing in on him. Even his struggle for air only reminded him that he didn't need it, he was dead, he was never going to get to do the things he'd dreamed of and he couldn't even remember what they were. He was trapped in a single set of rooms because someone had apparently had enough of a problem with him to stab him to death. He didn't even know if he'd deserved it.

Shuichi didn't know how long it took to pull himself back together. He did know that, unless he found a way to occupy himself, he was definitely going to freak out again. He needed to distract himself for a little while.

He remembered that, during his baking escapade, he'd found cleaning supplies under the sink.

By the time Kaede got home, the apartment reeked of disinfectant, and Shuichi had scrubbed every flat surface he could reach. The sinks were spotless. Even the toilet shone as if it had never been used.

"I'm home," Kaede said. She sounded caught between worry and relief.

Shuichi floated back over to the entryway, a rag still in his hand. "Welcome back," he said. "How was your day?"

Kaede visibly considered how to respond. To Shuichi's eternal gratitude, she didn't try to bring up the events of the party again. All she said was, "Pretty normal." Then she bit her lip. "There was one thing, though. Apparently Ibuki mentioned you to one of her friends." She held up an envelope, looking apologetic. "Some guy approached me at lunch and said to give this to you."

A small part of Shuichi was pleased that someone cared enough about him to mention him to someone else. The rest of him was consumed by worry. What if someone decided he was dangerous and needed to be gotten rid of? It had apparently happened once already.

He tried not to let his worry show. "Do you know anything about him?"

"Not really, he just walked up to me and handed me this." Kaede shrugged. "I can tell you that he talks like a villain on a children's show about the importance of friendship, if that helps. And he really likes mac and cheese." Shuichi must have looked confused, because she explained, "He had an entire plate full of it. It was a little impressive."

Shuichi took the envelope. It was addressed to "The Spectral Denizen of the Hall of Song, Shuichi Saihara." He brought it closer to his face. It didn't make any more sense than it had before.

"Yeah, I know," Kaede said. "But I texted Ibuki, and she says he's cool, so I don't think it'll be too bad."

Shuichi considered this for a moment. Ibuki had seemed trustworthy enough, and she probably didn't hate him. He didn't think she'd vouch for someone who had it out for him.

And opening the envelope would give him an excuse to keep avoiding the subject of his death.

He opened it.

The letter itself was even more obtuse than its address had suggested. The author didn't seem to understand concepts like clarity or concision. Each sentence could have been written by a text predictor trained on bad fantasy manga.

Shuichi could only hope the author hadn't been this bad in person. Then again, anyone who would sign a letter as "The Supreme Overlord of Ice, the Seraphic Prince of Hell, Gundham Tanaka," probably didn't have a setting other than melodrama.

He shook himself out of his musings and fought through the text of the letter. The information was actually pretty interesting, once he got past its presentation. It was nice to finally have some answers.

When he finished, he looked up to see Kaede trying to act like she hadn't been watching him read. He smiled despite himself. "That was… interesting," he said.

"Oh?" Kaede's tone was too casual to be natural. "How so?"

"For one thing, he claims to be the child of an angel and a demon."

Kaede blinked. "Wait, so not only do those exist, they can have kids together?"

"I guess? I mean, the fact that I'm here suggests it's not totally impossible, but it's not like I know for sure." Shuichi swallowed. "If it's true, it would explain where he's getting his information. He says he knows some things about ghosts, too."

"Oh. That's good, I hope." Kaede clasped her hands together. "Anything relevant to your situation?"

"Well, he says that ghosts that are bound to one location generally come in two types." Shuichi fought to get the words out. Kaede deserved to hear about this, no matter how little he wanted to think about this sort of thing. It affected her almost as much as it did him. "Some of them are basically harmless. They really liked a place in life, and they wanted to stick around after they died. But they generally have all their memories, since that's what's tying them to a place, and I… don't.

"And then there are the not-so-harmless ones. They're basically the movie depictions of ghosts, vengeful spirits who try to drive people away out of anger over something that happened to them. They don't have a very strong sense of self, and most of them end up becoming mindless forces of destruction." Shuichi hugged his arms to his chest. "He says they generally have a goal in mind, something that they want to see done, and that's what keeps them here. But otherwise they sound a lot like me. And if there's a chance I could end up hurting you…"

"Don't be silly," Kaede said. "You've been here for months, and the worst you've done is accidentally break a lightbulb when I startled you. If you were going to get dangerous, it would have happened by now." She smiled. "But you won't. I know you, and I know you wouldn't hurt anyone. I mean, I've seen you apologize to a lamp for walking into it."

Shuichi's eyes darted over to the lamp in question. "I guess," he said. "I just hope that doesn't change."

"Anyway," Kaede said, clearly done with that line of conversation. "Neither of those really sound applicable here. I'm sorry that this wasn't more helpful."

"It's fine," Shuichi said. "It's better than what I had before, at least. And it's good to know that someone knows something about all this."

What he didn't mention was the other thing Gundham had told him. According to Gundham, there was a such thing as an afterlife, and if Shuichi ever got tired of being a ghost he would end up in it. Gundham had even offered to help him cross over. Apparently, the fact that nothing had showed up to drag him to hell meant there was a good chance Shuichi would end up someplace enjoyable.

It was a relief to know he wasn't facing an eternity of torture, at least. But if Shuichi brought it up, Kaede would probably push for him to go. Who wouldn't want paradise?

Shuichi, for one. He liked it where he was. The concept of paradise sounded kind of overwhelming. He'd just started to make friends here, too. He didn't want to lose Kaede now, or any of the others.

He realized he'd probably been quiet for too long. He rushed to fill the silence. "So, uh, anything else interesting happen today? How were your classes?"

Thankfully, Kaede didn't comment on the blatant change in subject. She just started talking about all the little things that had stood out over the course of the day. Listening was enough to calm Shuichi down, or at least throw a blanket over his anxiety. Everything was still kind of terrible, but it wasn't the end of the world. Things weren't as bad as they could have been. The current state of affairs could theoretically be considered fine by certain standards.

He'd keep leaching off Kaede's happiness until he could find some of his own.


	7. Always Making Ourselves Truer

Pacing in a small apartment was much easier when you could walk through the furniture.

Not that Shuichi had a good reason to be pacing in the first place, because there was nothing to worry about. But he was a master of overthinking, and as long as he was invisible it wasn't like his pacing was going to bother Kaede, so he kept doing it anyway. It was better than stopping and letting everything overwhelm him.

He couldn't even say that he was making a mistake, because it was the sensible thing to do.

It had started when Tenko came over, ostensibly to study with Kaede. That hadn't lasted very long. It might have had something to do with the fact that Tenko had insisted that Shuichi join them, despite his not knowing anything about the material. He couldn't bring himself to decline, though. He was just pleased that she'd thought to invite him. It was always nice to have proof that people genuinely wanted him around. Sure, those people occasionally tried to throw him across the room, but as long as he was intangible they could have a pleasant conversation.

He'd started to relax, enough that when Tenko had abruptly gotten serious, he didn't feel the urge to flee. "I don't know if you want other people to know about you, or if there's a government conspiracy keeping you secret or something, but if you're interested I have a friend who might be able to help you." She brightened. "Her name is Himiko, and she's a mage! She's really good at magic, even if she has to hide it most of the time by acting like a magician. She's also super cute! If you try anything with her, though, I will absolutely find a way to touch you so I can break all your bones." She kept smiling, but Shuichi had no doubt she meant it. It would have been touching if it wasn't utterly terrifying. "But I'm sure you'll be fine."

Shuichi decided to ignore the threat in favor of processing the rest of that information. "Um," he said. And then, "Wait, how is acting like a magician hiding her magic?"

"Because she's actually a mage? Come on." Tenko looked unimpressed by the question, which seemed unfair. It wasn't like Shuichi being magical himself meant he knew all the nuances of the terminology.

And now that he thought about it, he was magical, wasn't he? It was a weird idea. He still thought of himself as a completely average person. He decided to shelve that thought with the rest of the identity crisis he was procrastinating. Instead he said, "I don't want be a nuisance, but if she's willing to talk to me, I'd appreciate it." It would be nice to have a second opinion on the chances of him randomly murdering someone, ideally from someone whose speech patterns didn't make them sound crazy. Maybe that would convince Kaede not to blindly trust him.

But when he looked over at her, she was smiling. "That sounds great," she said. "Here, give me her number and we can figure things out."

"Sure thing!" Tenko bounced over to put the number into Kaede's phone. "She'll be happy to have some real magic to do, and I'm sure you're going to love her."

Shuichi hoped it would be that simple.

From there, the conversation had moved back to less fraught topics, and Shuichi could almost forget to be stressed. Tenko's high energy might make her difficult to keep up with, but it was a fantastic distraction. He managed to enjoy the rest of her visit without reservation.

After she'd left, he and Kaede worked out a time for Himiko to come over and do her thing. Whatever that thing was. When that was settled and Kaede had sent the text, she looked at him, her expression fond. "I know this can't be easy for you, but I think it will really help," she said. "Thank you for trusting us enough to try it."

Shuichi looked away. He thought he might be blushing, though it was hard to tell without any sense of temperature. "O-of course," he said."

Kaede's phone went off, confirming that Himiko could come over, and that was that.

It had been so simple to think about in the abstract. Now, though, Himiko was supposed to arrive at any minute, and Shuichi was freaking out. What if Himiko decided he really was evil? And if she didn't, then he'd have to worry about whether Gundham really knew as much as he claimed, and which of them to believe. Or maybe Himiko wouldn't know anything at all, and he would have wasted everyone's time for no reason.

And before he could start worrying about that, he'd probably have to hold a conversation with Himiko. He was so bad at small talk. He couldn't even talk about the weather, because he hadn't been outside since this whole ordeal started.

There were so many chances for things to go wrong.

He'd worked himself into enough of a state to jump when the doorbell rang. Shuichi went through the motions of breathing as Kaede answered the door. By the time Himiko came in, he'd manifested fully, an expression on his face that he hoped was more of a smile than a grimace.

Shuichi's first impression of Himiko was that she wasn't what he had expected. The word mage conjured images of old men in long robes, probably carrying staves of wizened wood. Himiko herself was a short young girl in a sensible sweater carrying a canvas bag. She did pull a pointy hat out of said bag, which helped, but otherwise she just looked like a normal person. "Alright," she said, once she was properly attired. "You're Shuichi, right? Tenko told me about you. Nice to meet you." She smothered a yawn.

Shuichi nodded stiffly. "Nice to meet you."

As always, Kaede was a lifesaver. "Thanks for coming," she said. "Can I get you anything to drink?"

Himiko shook her head. "Nah, let's just get started. The sooner we start, the sooner we can get this over with and I can go home."

That wasn't a very encouraging thing to hear. Shuichi didn't even know what she was planning to do that needed to be gotten over with. He didn't want to be the one to ask, though, so he said nothing. She'd tell them soon enough. Probably.

Himiko sat down on the floor, then gestured for Shuichi and Kaede to do the same. They did so, making a rough circle by the entrance. "So," she said. "I don't actually know very much about necromancy. My specialty is conjuring." Kaede raised her hand. "I'm bad at ghosts, but good at making things out of magic." Kaede put her hand back down again. Himiko grinned. "But luckily for you, I'm very good at making things, including something you'll probably want to know about. Do you know what a magical focus is?"

Shuichi had no idea why people expected him to know things. He didn't even know his own address. "No," he said.

"The idea is that you store some of your energy in an object, then later you can use it to help you control your magic. Not that someone as skilled as me needs one, but it'd be great for you. After all, a ghost is just a person whose magic involves being dead, right?"

"I... okay." He was beginning to wonder if there was some magical benefit to being as hard to follow as possible. "So if you make me a focus, I'll get better at vanishing and appearing?"

"Probably. It'll also let you do it more selectively, so you can hide in mirrors or choose who can see you and who can't." She tapped her chin. "I'm pretty sure, anyway. But what's really cool about it is that it will stand in for the current center of your power." Shuichi must have looked as lost as he felt, because she explained, "At the moment, you're stuck here, right? Having a focus will trick whatever's keeping you here into thinking that the focus is where you're supposed to be. You'll be able to go anywhere as long as someone can get your focus there first."

Shuichi felt like he'd been punched in the chest, but in a good way, for once. He'd finally be able to leave. He could re-enter the world, and it sounded like he wouldn't even have to deal with any of the things in it until he was ready, if he had that sort of control over his visibility. He could stop worrying that he was mooching off of Kaede too much. There were so many options opening up for him, and it was exhilarating, and even the fears that were already entering his mind couldn't kill his good mood.

"That's amazing!" Kaede said. Her eyes were gleaming, and looking at them only made Shuichi's smile widen even more. "This is everything we could have hoped for, thank you so much!"

"Hehe, it's no problem for a mage like me." Despite her words, Himiko looked incredibly pleased with herself. "Just be careful at first. Until you get used to having a focus, you probably don't want to touch it. If you're not paying attention, you could start putting more magic into it or taking some out. Putting too much in could drain you and make you lose the ability to maintain your form, at which point anyone could kidnap you by stealing your focus, and taking too much out would make it lose its effectiveness. If it stops doing its job while you're outside the apartment..."

Shuichi thought about what had happened the first and only time he'd tried to leave, and how the effect had only gotten worse the farther he'd gone. He swallowed. "That would be bad." Of course, that meant he was still stuck relying on someone else to carry him around, which was less than ideal. Not that he had much room to complain. Some freedom was better than none, and from the sound of it, he'd be able to carry his own focus eventually. He was sure Kaede would be just as happy to stop having to worry about him for once.

Himiko pulled a book out of her bag, flipped through it, and nodded. "Okay, that's enough boring explanations. It's time to get started. You need to choose an object to use for your focus."

"Wait, are you not just making it appear?" She had practically introduced herself by saying she was good at making things out of magic.

"I mean, I could, but the results aren't as good. It's much easier to do magic with something you have strong feelings about, and you're going to want things as easy as possible." She rubbed her eye absently. "Besides, creating something entirely out of magic is such a pain."

That made sense, but once again, Shuichi was forced to confront the fact that he had to have other people do everything for him. It wasn't like he owned any physical objects anymore. He looked over at Kaede slightly desperately.

Kaede hummed thoughtfully. "I don't know about Shuichi, but I know some things that might work? Let me know if you have a better idea, though."

"I really don't," Shuichi said.

"Fair enough. I'll be right back, then." With that, she stood up and began running around the apartment, gathering trinkets. Shuichi and Himiko watched in bemusement. Shuichi realized after a moment that this was going to take awhile, and that it was probably time to start a conversation. He wracked his brain for a neutral subject of interest. Before he could think of one, Kaede came back, brandishing her findings. "Let's see, I've got some old books that I think I've seen you reading, a branch from that plant in the kitchen that I'm pretty sure is only alive because of you, and your favorite pillow off the couch."

She dumped them on the floor for Shuichi to consider. He studied them carefully in an attempt to hide how touched he was by her thoughtfulness. He hadn't realized she'd paid that much attention to his habits. He could have used any of them as a focus based on that fact alone, much less the things she'd described about them. There was just one problem. "Thank you," he said, and was pleased to hear that he didn't sound too choked up. "But wouldn't all of these be really hard to carry around? I mean, books are heavy, branches snap easily, and I have no idea how you'd carry a pillow without getting weird looks. I don't want to make your life harder for my sake."

"Ugh, you're right. I hadn't even considered that." She frowned. "I don't know if we're going to think of anything better, though. Unless you have a pet rock you're really attached to?"

"I wish." They both went quiet. Shuichi glanced over at Himiko, but she didn't seem to have any helpful suggestions, either.

He looked back at Kaede, and that's when a thought occurred to him. There was one thing he could think of that would be trivial for Kaede to carry around. Unfortunately, it was also something slightly personal. He didn't want to make her uncomfortable by asking for it.

He didn't have any better ideas, though, and Himiko was looking kind of bored. "Actually," he began. "There is something, but... I don't know, I don't want you to feel like you have to give it to me or anything."

"You're fine!" Kaede said immediately. "if it's that important to me, I can just say no."

"Well, if you want something that will be easy to bring with you, I can always use one of your hairpins." Shuichi rubbed his arm nervously. "Or we can keep looking, if you want. That's probably the better idea."

Kaede touched her hairpins self-consciously. "No, you have a point. I definitely won't forget these. But would they work for you?"

Shuichi looked away. He was definitely blushing this time. "Yeah, I think so. If you're okay with it, I think I could manage it."

"That sounds good, then." Shuichi risked looking back at her just as she took the beamed eighth note out of her hair. "I just hope this doesn't make it glow or something. I don't know how I'd explain that to my friends..."

Shuichi took the pin self-consciously. He tried to stay focused, but when he turned back to Himiko, she was smirking for some reason. "Finally," she said. "Are you ready to get started?"

"I guess?"

"Good. Don't worry, this should be easy. Just imagine energy flowing out of you and into the pin." She cracked her knuckles. "I'll be making sure the magic takes, so when you're ready, just send it over."

It was nice to know that Himiko would actually be helping. If nothing else, it lowered the chances that Shuichi would somehow destroy something Kaede so clearly cared about because he didn't know what he was doing.

But thinking about that was only going to make him more anxious, so he turned his mind to the task at hand. He turned the pin over in his hands, picturing a thread of energy connecting to him. It made him feel kind of silly, until he realized that he could feel his own energy draining. He hoped that was a good sign.

He didn't know how long they sat in silence before Himiko spoke up again. "Okay, that should be good. You can stop now." She yawned. "I'm exhausted."

"That's it?" Kaede asked. "It didn't look like you did anything."

"That's because you're not a mage. All you need to know is that my magic solved your problems, just like always."

"You know, I'm okay with that. Thank you so much."

"It was simple." Himiko said. "Well, if that's it, I'm going to go home and take a nap. Make sure you don't touch that too much, Shuichi."

Shuichi had been rubbing the pin absent-mindedly, but at the reminder, he quickly handed it back to Kaede. "Right," he said. Then, without thinking, he stood up. "And before you go, um, can I ask you a question? I know you said you don't know much about ghosts, but I wanted to get a second opinion on something." He needed to ask, he knew he did, and so he forced the words out. "Do you think I'm going to be dangerous? I don't want to hurt anyone."

Himiko hesitated, which didn't help Shuichi's anxiety anyway. "I don't know," she said at last. "I mean, maybe? But magic has a lot to do with intention, so if you're that worried about not turning evil, you're probably fine." Shuichi sagged with relief, but she wasn't done. "Of course, it depends on what's keeping you here. I've heard stories about dark magic corrupting even the best intentions. So if that's involved, it won't really matter what you want." She shrugged, as if she wasn't confirming Shuichi's worst fears. "It's hard to say. You should probably just wait and see what happens, and if you feel like you're turning into a poltergeist, give me a call. I can probably figure out how get rid of you."

"Thank you?" Shuichi struggled to come up with the appropriate response. He felt rooted to the ground, unable to take a single step for fear that it would awaken the possible evil lurking in him. He watched as Himiko put her hat back in her bag, as Kaede walked her to the door and exchanged the appropriate pleasantries. He waved a goodbye at the appropriate point.

Then it was just him and Kaede in the apartment as usual. He hoped that wouldn't come back to bite her. Right now, at least, she was beaming, and he did his best to return her smile. "This is so exciting!" she said. She put the pin back in her hair with practiced ease. "We should go out and test this right away."

Shuichi scratched the back of his head. "I don't know," he said. "I'm still a little tired from doing the magic." It was true enough, though he hoped Kaede didn't press the issue. She'd dealt with enough of his dramatics, he didn't want to dump more on her. Not when she was so close to being free of him.

She didn't push it, because she was incredible and he didn't deserve her. "That's okay," she said. "How about you come with me to class tomorrow? You can explore the campus while I'm trapped in a lecture."

"That would be nice," Shuichi said. He could spend the night wrangling his brain into submission, and hopefully in the morning he'd be ready to actually enjoy himself again. It was going to work out. He'd get out of the apartment for the first time, he'd see what the big deal about the sun was, he'd give Kaede some space for a change. It would be good. He just needed to stop being so ridiculous for once.

He was going to go out and have fun, secure in the knowledge that if worse came to worst, there were people who were ready to get rid of him.


	8. I Watch the Western Sky

Kaede adjusted the straps of her backpack, then turned to look at Shuichi. "Are you ready?"

Shuichi, who had blinked in and out of visibility five times in the last five minutes, nodded. He refused to let his nerves get the best of him now. "I think so," he said.

"Great!" Kaede swung the front door open dramatically. "In that case, Shuichi, welcome back to the world."

Shuichi didn't have the heart to tell her to point out that this was just the hallway, and that he'd been through it plenty of times already looking for ways to kill time. She was trying to do something nice for him. The least he could do was act impressed. He did his best, right up until it occurred to him that they were in a public space and he should probably be invisible.

The wait for the elevator seemed to last forever. He kept looking back to the apartment, trying to ignore the feeling that any moment the universe would notice that he'd escaped and punish him for it.

It only got harder when they reached the lobby. He carefully didn't look at the corner he'd broken down in all those months ago.

And then they left the building, and he was too stunned to remember to be nervous.

The entire world seemed to stretch out before him. The sky went on forever, its blue so much crisper than it had looked through the windows. Decorative trees lined the pavement. The leaves were such vibrant colors, reminders of all the time that had passed while he'd been trapped inside. And the people! There were so many people on the sidewalk, more than he'd seen in total since he'd died. It would have been nerve-wracking if any of them had spared him a second glance.

He probably would have stayed rooted to the spot if Kaede hadn't cleared her throat. "Here we are," she said. "I mean, assuming I haven't lost you."

"Ah, no, I'm still here," Shuichi said. "It's just. Wow."

Kaede smiled. "I'm so glad," she said. "Unfortunately, I do need to get to class, so we should probably be on our way."

"Oh, right, sorry." He drifted after her slowly, still looking around with wide eyes.

He realized rather quickly that he was going to have to float above the crowd if he wanted to avoid being stepped through. Other people couldn't tell where he was, and he certainly wasn't paying enough attention to notice them. There were so many other things to look at.

His wonder had barely died down by the time Kaede stopped in front of an imposing stone building. "I've got two lectures in a row this morning, and while you can come with me if you want, you definitely shouldn't feel obligated. They'll probably be really dull for you."

"I don't know," Shuichi said, but she had a point. He didn't want to be inside right now anyway.

Kaede looked up in his direction, eyes wide. Right, he was still invisible and hadn't warned her that he'd moved. "Sorry."

She shook her head. "Nah, you're good. Anyway, it's up to you. It's not like I'll be able to tell either way."

He ended up following her up to the classroom, just to see what it was like. The answer was not very impressive. It was just a room full of desks with a projector at the front. It had an air of familiarity, though. He'd probably spent a lot of time in similar rooms back when he was alive.

He didn't want to think about that too much. He said goodbye to Kaede, stepped through the wall, and floated back down to the ground.

For a while, he was content just to watch the world go by. Even the simplest of things felt new and exciting. He'd forgotten the waxy texture of grass, the way the clouds moved across the sky. Everything was so much more than he'd expected. He almost wanted to leave his existence behind, to fly away and never come back.

He knew better than to try, though. He seemed to have more freedom than when he was at home, but he wasn't particularly eager to test the limits of that. Staying close to Kaede was hardly a burden anyway. He could just stay here and watch the squirrels racing around the lawn.

One of them darted up a tree, and he crept closer, curious. That's when he noticed the mirror attached to the tree's trunk. He watched his own eyes widen in horror. He'd been careless, too assured in his invisibility. Someone could have seen him and he wouldn't even have noticed.

He forced himself to calm down and approach this rationally. A quick look around confirmed that there were no other mirrors in his immediate vicinity, which was something. And being noticed wouldn't be the end of the world. He liked not having to worry about other people and their opinions, but someone who passed by wouldn't matter anyway. They'd probably just assume they were hallucinating.

He eyed the mirror again. Himiko had said that the focus would let him improve his control over his abilities, right? Maybe now was the time to put that to the test.

Figuring out how to do it proved remarkably difficult. Normally invisibility was as easy as breathing had once been, but his ordinary methods weren't going to be enough this time.

Maybe he should think about it like he had when they'd first made the focus. All he'd had to do was concentrate and imagine what he wanted to do, so maybe this would be the same way. He tried to picture his reflection vanishing from the mirror. His reflection didn't respond.

Okay, so that wasn't going to be enough. Maybe he needed more intention behind it? He closed his eyes and tried to remember the feeling of his own energy. Instantly he was aware of his focus's location, still in the classroom where he'd left Kaede. He hadn't actually expected the knowledge to be that precise. It was a little creepy, knowing he could find Kaede's exact location without any effort.

He banished that thought and focused on the focus itself. He concentrated on its shape, on the magic stored within it, and once again imagined his reflection disappearing.

When he opened his eyes, the mirror showed only the grass behind him. He grinned. Having a focus was proving more useful than he'd expected.

He wasn't feeling particularly tired yet, so he decided to have some fun with it. He made only his head reappear in the mirror, then erased everything but his hat. He showed only his smile like he was some sort of Cheshire Cat.

He was so caught up in the game that he didn't notice the girl coming up beside him. "What are you doing?" she asked.

He jumped, then did the sensible thing and hid himself altogether. Hopefully she'd just assume she'd been seeing things.

The girl glanced at the mirror, then back at him. "That's a cool trick, but I can still see you."

Shuichi frowned. Had his ability to erase his reflection made him forget how to be invisible? He reached out to his focus and tried to keep her from seeing him.

The girl put her hands on her hips. "Okay, that was just rude. I don't know if you're just invisible or if you're actually gone, but either way, that's not the sort of thing you do in the middle of a conversation."

It was good to know he hadn't completely lost his abilities. It didn't look like he was getting out of this interaction, though, so he reappeared with a sigh. "Sorry about that," he said.

"It's fine!" She sounded cheerful again, like nothing strange had happened. Shuichi's confusion only grew when she introduced herself. "Nice to meet you, by the way. I'm Komaru, and in case you're wondering, I can see ghosts."

"Um." Shuichi wasn't sure how to react to that kind of straightforwardness about these things. "Hi? I'm Shuichi, and, well, I'm a ghost. As you can probably tell."

Komaru nodded in satisfaction. "I thought so! I guess you could also have been a vampire, but you don't have a cape or anything."

"…Right." Shuichi wasn't going to bother trying to follow that logic. It was just more proof for his theory that being weird made you better at magic. "So, uh, do you see a lot of ghosts?"

Komaru shrugged. "Not really. Mostly I'm just a normal high school student?"

"How does a normal high school student start seeing ghosts?"

"How would I know? It's just a thing I've been able to do my whole life. No one asks how you see in color." Komaru paused. "Actually, wait, that reminds me. Let me set up so no one thinks I'm crazy." She fished a phone from her pocket and brought it to her ear. "Okay, now I don't look like I'm talking to myself. So what's up?"

Shuichi resisted the urge to point out that she had been the one to approach him, and that therefore the burden of conversation was on her. "Not much," he said instead. It didn't seem worth going into the details of how this was possibly the best day he'd had since he died. "How about you? You said you're in high school, so what are you doing wandering around a college campus talking to ghosts?"

"I'm actually here to visit a friend." Komaru cocked her head. "You may have heard of her. Have you read _So Lingers the Ocean_?"

Shuichi nodded. It was one of the books Kaede had left lying around before she knew he existed. He'd mostly picked it up out of boredom, but it turned out to be surprisingly good.

"Well, she's the one who wrote it," Komaru said smugly.

"Wait, really? That's incredible!"

"She really is. She's only two years older than me, but she's so smart, and an amazing writer, too!" Komaru was practically beaming with pride. "I have to say, though, I'm a little surprised. You don't seem like the sort of person who would read romance novels."

"Normally I don't, but…" Shuichi trailed off, hoping she'd fill in the blank with something less depressing than the truth.

"That's fair," Komaru said. Shuichi gave a mental sigh of relief. "I'm generally more of a manga person myself," she continued. "Toko's just really good."

That was a cue that even Shuichi could pick up on. "What sorts of manga do you like?" he asked.

"Oh, all kinds, but mostly whatever's popular. Have you ever heard of _The Bomb Inside Her_?"

"I don't think so?" Shuichi thought he'd remember a title like that.

"It's so good!" Komaru said, and then she was off, describing the most convoluted and melodramatic plot that Shuichi had ever heard. He could barely keep up with it, let alone Komaru's intense feelings about each of the characters. All he could do was nod and try to make agreeable noises when she paused for breath.

It was kind of fun. Komaru clearly cared a lot about the series, and her enthusiasm was contagious, even if Shuichi had no desire to read the manga. Hearing it secondhand was probably more interesting anyway.

Komaru was about to explain the shocking revelation of who had planted the bombs in Yumi when she cut herself off. "Wait, what time is it?" she asked. Shuichi shrugged, so she checked her phone screen. Whatever she saw was enough to make her groan. "I'm so sorry to leave you hanging like this, but I promised Toko I'd meet up with her five minutes ago." She shoved her phone back in her pocket. "It was nice meeting you."

"Yeah," Shuichi said, somewhat surprised to find he meant it. "I guess I'll see you around?"

"Of course!" Komaru said. "I haven't even gotten to the good part yet."

She smiled, then turned and sprinted back down the path, leaving Shuichi alone once again.


	9. The White Star Stepping At My Side

If you haven't seen it, there's now a Komahina fic set in this same universe! The first chapter is currently up, and can be found at s/13059145/1/Hellbent . Maybe wait until you've finished this chapter to read it, though.

* * *

After Komaru left, Shuichi figured he'd go back to his mirror tricks. He wanted to figure out just how far his newfound control of his abilities could go. For the first time since becoming a ghost, he could believe that he was really doing magic, and he wanted to savor that feeling as long as he could.

When he went to draw on his focus, though, he realized that Kaede had started to move. He supposed Komaru had implied that classes were about to let out.

He made his way back to the lecture hall, at which point a new problem occurred to him. He needed a way to get Kaede's attention without freaking anyone else out. Given the number of people streaming out of the building, that was going to be difficult.

Then again, maybe not. He had been able to hide from Komaru in particular with a bit of effort. Maybe he could reveal himself to Kaede the same way. It was worth trying, at least.

He closed his eyes and began to concentrate, doing his best to ignore the fact that Kaede was getting closer. There was no pressure. If he failed, no one would know. Or else everyone would know, and he would have bigger problems than Kaede being disappointed in him. It was hardly a reassuring thought.

When he opened his eyes, though, no one was pointing at him or screaming in horror. He was going to count that as a win.

Even better, when Kaede walked out a moment later, he could see that she saw him by the way her eyes widened. She made her way over to him. "Hey," she said, scanning the crowd nervously. "Is this really okay?"

"Don't worry, I'm pretty sure you're the only one who can see me," Shuichi said.

"Really?" Kaede's expression went from concerned to excited in an instant. "Nice! How'd you figure out how to do that so quickly?"

Shuichi fidgeted with the brim of his hat. "I mean, the focus is doing most of the work."

"Still, that's really impressive," Kaede said. "You've only really had this morning to figure it out."

Shuichi shrugged self-consciously. He wasn't sure how to respond, so he settled for changing the subject. "By the way, if you have your phone on you, you might want to get it out. That way you won't look like you're talking to yourself."

"This is a college campus, I wouldn't be the only one," Kaede said. She pulled out her phone anyway. "So, I don't know if you had any plans, but I'm going to meet up with Maki and Rantaro for lunch. If you wanted to join us, I'm sure they'd be happy to have you."

Shuichi made a noncommittal noise in response. He wasn't quite as sure about that, and he didn't want them to feel like they had to include him.

The dining hall was close by and the line for food wasn't too bad, so it wasn't long before Kaede was approaching Maki and Rantaro's table and Shuichi had to make up his mind. "No, I see where you're coming from," Rantaro was saying. "I'm just saying that you shouldn't discount humanity's pent up rage and aggression. If you gave them an acceptable target, most people would be happy to beat an alien to death with a chair."

"Okay, but there's a difference between willingness to kill and ability to kill. Even if we assume they've got the same level of technology as us, the invasion force is going to be made up of soldiers." Maki shook her head. "We wouldn't stand a chance."

The conversation was ridiculous enough that Shuichi's need to hear more overrode his fear of intruding. He sat down beside Maki and thought about letting her and Rantaro see him.

Maki startled. "If you do that again, I will hurt you."

"I'm… sorry?" Shuichi hadn't meant to scare her, but he wasn't entirely sure what she was threatening either. Maki seemed to realize the problem a moment later, and her cheeks flushed, though her glare didn't falter.

Rantaro defused the moment before it could get too awkward. "Hey, Shuichi!" he said. "Good to see you. You figured out how to leave after all?"

Shuichi nodded.

"Nice."

"Congratulations," Maki said, stoic once more.

The pleasantries were nice, but Shuichi had more pressing concerns. For instance: "What were you talking about when we came over, anyway?"

Rantaro shrugged. "Nothing important. I was just complaining about how alien invasion movies always have everyone cowering in fear instead of trying to fight. We're an entire planet, we could take a single army."

"And what he's missing is the difference between an army and an untrained population." Maki shook her head. "Do you blame civilians when a country loses a war?"

"What? I never said that. You're twisting my logic."

"I think you're both missing something," Kaede said. "Why would aliens invade in the first place?"

"Yeah," Shuichi said. "If they can get to Earth from another planet, they can definitely kill us all from outer space. There's no reason to risk their own lives."

"Wow, that got dark." Kaede frowned at Shuichi. "What I was going to say was that it wouldn't make sense to travel all that way just to kill us. Why bother, you know? We're better off assuming they come in peace unless they actually attack."

"And then it's too late," Maki said. "We'd need to be prepared if we wanted to have any hope of surviving."

"No, she has a point." Rantaro looked thoughtful. "I mean, our tactics would definitely have to depend on what started the war. There has to be a way we can use their motives against them."

Shuichi wasn't sure how, but they kept talking about it for another hour. They considered the likelihood of every country in the world managing to work together against an outside force, the chances that the aliens would be Supermen vs the chances they were sentient slime molds, and whether you could stop the attack by showing them pictures of puppies. The final consensus was that Earth should send Ibuki out to greet the aliens. The sheer confusion she'd generate would hopefully buy enough time to figure out what to do next.

As soon as that was settled, Rantaro stood up. "Alright," he said. "My next class started five minutes ago, so I should probably get going." He walked away casually, apparently unconcerned by this fact. Shuichi couldn't help but wonder how Rantaro's grades looked.

Maki stuck around for another few minutes, then left as well, not bothering to make an excuse. Shuichi and Kaede were left to themselves once again.

"All right," Kaede said. "I don't have any other classes today, but I do want to get some piano practice in while I'm on campus. Again, you're free to come with me, but it'll probably be boring for you, so I understand if you don't want to."

Shuichi didn't have to think about his answer. "I'd love to hear you practice, if you don't mind." She spent a lot of time playing the keyboard in the apartment, and it was always beautiful, but he wanted to see what she could do on a real piano.

"If you say so," Kaede said, but she looked pleased.

They headed to another stately building, this one made of brick. Kaede spent the walk talking about her upcoming performance. Shuichi didn't understand half of it, but she was so enthusiastic that he had no trouble getting invested by proxy.

He couldn't ignore the way his energy was fading, though. Maybe staying visible to three specific people for an hour had been overdoing it.

They got to the music building, and Shuichi hung back while Kaede checked herself in. He followed her to a room with a piano in the center, padding on the walls, and absolutely nothing else of interest.

As soon as the door was closed, Shuichi released the magic that had been keeping him invisible to everyone else. He let out a sigh of relief. It was like he'd been carrying around a weight and could finally put it down. Default visibility was easy, and no one but Kaede was around to see him anyway.

He stretched while Kaede began warming up. The motion didn't really accomplish anything, given that he didn't have muscles to stretch, but it seemed appropriate anyway.

Kaede finished her scales with a flourish. "Alright!" she said. She turned to face Shuichi. "Now that that's out of the way, any requests?"

"Whatever you want to play, I guess?" Shuichi wasn't exactly an expert on classical music.

"I should probably keep working on my performance piece, but I've already played it a million times this week." Kaede made a face. "One day off won't hurt, right? Besides, there's something I want to try."

"Sounds good to me," Shuichi said. "Whatever it is, I'm sure it'll be great."

Kaede didn't respond, simply started to play. Shuichi didn't recognize the song, but it felt somehow familiar. It was soft and slow and a little sad. It wasn't depressing, though, and there was an undercurrent of hope throughout. It was absolutely mesmerizing. Kaede herself was almost captivating, her express one of pure contentment. It was as if she was born to play this piece in this moment.

The song ended, and Shuichi shook himself out of a daze. He felt like he could have stayed there forever if Kaede had only kept playing. After a moment, he realized that she was looking at him nervously, so he tried to find the words to describe the performance. "That was – that was incredible! I knew you were good, but that was amazing. Seriously. I just… the emotion behind it, and of course the song itself was beautiful, and…" He trailed off, knowing he was rambling. He hoped Kaede had gotten something out of that mess.

"Really? I'm so glad you liked it." Kaede's cheeks were pink. "I actually associate that song with you, so…"

"Oh." Shuichi tried not to read into the fact that Kaede was associating something that gorgeous with him. She probably didn't listen to music that wasn't beautiful, that was all. "So, uh, do you do that a lot? Associate songs with people, I mean?"

"Yeah generally when I know someone well or put some thought into it, I can think of a song that fits them. It's easier when they're right in front of me, though." She looked away. "I know it's weird, but it helps me understand people, you know?"

"No, that makes sense," Shuichi said. Of course Kaede would come up with such an impressive way to relate to people. "Can I hear someone else's?"

"I can try, but like I said, it's easier when I have them in front of me." She thought about it for a moment, then started to play once again.

This one was darker than the last, faster-paced and more intense. The hopeful theme was still there, though it was often lost behind the harshness of the melody. Kaede only played a few measures of it before stopping and shaking her head. "That's about as much as I can remember."

"Still, that's impressive! It sounded really complicated." Shuichi thought for a moment. "Was that one Maki's?"

"Yeah!" Kaede grinned. "I'm glad I'm not totally crazy."

"No, I definitely see where you're coming from," Shuichi said. "Even if I'm a little scared of how good you are. That was all from memory?"

"It sounds more complicated than it is." Kaede paused, apparently considering something. Her eyes lit up. "I know, why don't I teach you! It'll be fun. You can practice at home too, if you like, and if anyone hears they'll just assume I'm brushing up on the basics or something."

"But isn't this your practice time? I don't want to get in your way."

"You're not getting in my way, I'm offering." Kaede tried to look earnest, which mostly consisted of opening her eyes very wide. Shuichi had to stifle a laugh. "Please?"

"Okay, but don't be surprised if I'm not very good." Shuichi made sure he was tangible and sat down on the bench next to her.

He'd tried to give her some space, but Kaede immediately scooted so their legs were touching. "Oh," she said. "You're colder than I expected."

"Oh, sorry. Do you need me to move?"

"No, I just wasn't expecting it. It's kind of nice." Kaede rested her hands on the piano. "Okay, so to start, you'll want to have your hands like this."

"Okay." Shuichi copied her as best he could.

Kaede hummed thoughtfully. "Could you try cupping your hands a little more? Imagine that you're holding an egg."

He did, and the lesson began.

Shuichi had no idea what he was doing, but Kaede turned out to be a great teacher. She explained things in a way that made sense without making him feel like an idiot for not already knowing them. She also just really loved the piano, and Shuichi found himself trying to do better just to see the way she smiled when he got something right.

She was in the middle of explaining something about keeping track of both of his hands when the door opened. Shuichi vanished instinctively, so startled that he fell through the bench in the process. Kaede didn't react as quickly. She made it to the end of her sentence, only trailing off when she noticed the confused look on the face of the woman who'd walked in. She smiled nervously. "Oh, hi, Ms. Yukizome! I was just… thinking about how I'd teach my sister's kids… if she ever decided to have any… Anyway, what's up?"

Thankfully, Ms. Yukizome didn't question it. She just held out a folder. "I've been going over the arrangements for next month's performance, and I wanted to make sure that they worked for you." She smiled. "I have to say, I'm looking forward to it. You've chosen an intricate piece, and I can't wait to see how you handle it."

Kaede's laugh sounded strained. "Thanks, but I just chose it because it looked like fun." She gestured vaguely with the folder. "I'll be sure to take a look at this when I can."

"Excellent," Ms. Yukizome said. "Well, I don't want to interrupt, so we can catch up later. See you around!"

"Yeah!" Kaede's expression could barely be called a smile anymore, but she kept it up until Ms. Yukizome left the room.

Shuichi reappeared gradually, as if being seen translucent would somehow be less incriminating than being seen fully materialized. It turned out not to matter either way. The door remained closed, and he began to relax.

Then, without warning, Kaede burst out laughing. "Oh my God, that was so bad. 'My sister's kids'? She's never even dated anyone, why would she have kids?"

"Really?" This time, Shuichi couldn't suppress his laughter. "That's… that's pretty bad, yeah."

"Yeah." Kaede shook her head, still giggling. "I'm going to pretend that it's because we were practicing for too long and say it's time to be done. I need to look at this anyway." She shoved the folder into her backpack. "Are you ready to go?"

Shuichi thought about the walk back, when he'd have to make sure that only one person could see him again. It was not a comforting thought. He wasn't going to make Kaede wait for him though, so he just said, "Sure."

"Great." Kaede shouldered her bag. "Then let's go."

The walk back to the apartment was mostly silent, Kaede lost in thought and Shuichi caught between wonder and weariness. He was both relieved and disappointed when they made it back to the apartment building.

It wasn't until they were on the elevator that he spoke up. "Hey Kaede?" he said. "Thank you for today. I had a lot of fun."

"Yeah, of course. Let me know when you're ready to go out again." Kaede smiled softly.

Shuichi hummed in acknowledgment.

He felt it when they got to the limits of his former range, a humming that settled in what he would have called his bones. It was enough to take the edge off his weariness.

It didn't cure it, though. He barely had the presence of mind to say goodbye to Kaede before he reached out and let the void overtake him.


	10. Haunting All the Lives That Cared For Me

Going to class with Kaede had become a semi-regular occurrence for Shuichi. It let him get outside and begin readjusting to the world, even if it still felt overwhelming at times. It also gave him the opportunity to experiment with his limited magic. He was getting stronger, he thought. He didn't feel the need to pass out immediately when they got back. He still couldn't practice multiple days in a row, but that just meant he had an excuse to stay home when the idea of going out and interacting with people was too much to bear.

Even that was happening less and less as time went by. Kaede's friends were genuine and friendly, to the point that Shuichi could generally convince himself that they liked having him around. It was a little strange, but he appreciated it nonetheless.

Everything was going well. He'd finally settled into his situation, found a balance between tedium and terror that let him almost feel like a person again. It was more than he could have dreamed of even a month ago. It made it all the more painful that he was going to have to disrupt it.

As much as he wanted to hide from the truth of what happened to him, he was going to have to face it sooner or later. The question of why someone would kill him was only going to keep nagging at him otherwise. And now that he could leave the apartment, he was able to find the answer for himself. It was just a matter of working up the nerve to do it.

The last thing he wanted was to make a big deal out of it, though. The idea of learning more about his death freaked him out enough as it was. He didn't need anyone else's expectations making it worse.

He waited for a weekend when Kaede wouldn't have too much going on. That Friday evening, they were sitting on the couch together, her watching TV on her laptop and him pretending to read a book, and he decided it was as good a time as any to bring it up. "It it's not too much trouble could we go out tomorrow?"

Kaede didn't look up from her screen. "Yeah, all right. Did you have somewhere in mind?"

"Um," Shuichi said. "Well. There's this park that's right across the street from the local police station, and if you don't mind, I was kind of thinking that you could stay there while I looked at some police records?"

Kaede didn't respond right away. She paused her show and turned to face Shuichi, who fought the urge to look away. "I mean, I'm up for it," she said. "But are you sure that's a good idea? I mean, how are you planning to find the ones you're looking for?"

"The records room is just off the main hallway, towards the back of the station," Shuichi said. "There's only one security camera, and I'm pretty sure it won't pick me up if I'm careful. It should be simple enough."

"Huh." Kaede looked impressed. "It sounds like you've got this all figured out. I'm a little surprised you were able to get all this information, honestly. You'd think they'd have tighter security than that."

"Probably," Shuichi said. "I don't think they're advertising their security systems online or anything."

Kaede's eyes narrowed. "Wait," she said. "Then how did you know about the camera placement?"

"I…" That was a good question, actually. Shuichi had been so busy stressing about the details of his plan, he hadn't noticed when he skipped a step in coming up with it. That was concerning for several reasons. He chose not to worry about why he'd have that much knowledge about a police station layout. He needed to save his worry for the question of whether said knowledge was accurate. He'd gotten better, but he still didn't trust his ability to hide from a camera he didn't know about. Assuming, of course, that he could find the records room at all.

Kaede must have seen his anxiety building. She didn't push for an explanation, just gave a half shrug. "It's not that big a deal. Worst case scenario, your information is wrong and you don't learn anything, and I end up hanging out in a park for no reason. I'm all right with that."

Shuichi could think of any number of worse case scenarios, but Kaede's unconcerned optimism was reassuring. She was probably right. He didn't think he'd encounter anything like ghost cops assigned to arrest trespassing hosts, though now that the idea had occurred to him, it was going to be a constant concern at the back of his mind. It didn't matter. Kaede was right and everything would be fine. He hoped.

He wasn't about to inflict his drama on Kaede, though, so what he said was, "Well, thank you."

"Of course! It's been a while since I've been to the park anyway. I just hope you can find what you need." She turned back to her laptop, and when Shuichi didn't say anything else, started her show back up.

Shuichi stared at the book in his hands, hoping the wall of text would force his nerves to settle. He needed to go through with this. Maybe he could figure out why he was still here, or at least why he knew so much about the police station when he was pretty sure he'd died before graduating college. Even if he didn't, it was a good excuse for him to practice his skills somewhere new.

There was absolutely no downside. Just the fear, swelling in his chest until it seemed to smother him.

He went to his metaphorical bed early that night. It was the only way he'd make it to morning without driving himself insane.

The downside to this decision was that Shuichi was roused the next morning by Kaede getting out her coat. "Oh, good, you're up!" she said. "I just looked up the park on Google Maps, so I'm ready to go when you are. Do you have any idea how long you'll be?"

Shuichi blinked, trying to process all the information that had been dumped on him. "Not really? I don't think it will take that long, though. Probably just an hour or two."

"Cool, then I won't bother trying to eat lunch beforehand." Kaede reached up and checked that her pins were properly secured. "If you want to go right now, I mean. No hurry."

Leaving right now was frankly the last thing Shuichi wanted, but he knew that waiting would only give him more time to freak himself out, so he nodded. "Sounds good," he said, not even trying to keep the pessimism from his voice.

Kaede frowned, but didn't comment. "Let's go," she said, and they did.

The trip to the park was quiet. Kaede was focused on her phone, making sure they actually made it to their destination, and Shuichi was focused on playing Whack-a-Mole with his anxieties. What if he was wrong about the cameras? What if he was seen, and there really was someone on staff to deal with ghosts? What if he had to go before a ghost court and explain to a ghost judge that he was breaking the law to satisfy his own curiosity?

And what if none of that happened? If his plan worked perfectly, his reward would be a description of his own corpse. There might be pictures. Was it really worth it for information that might not have anything to do with why he was a ghost?

This was a mistake. He regretted every life decision that had brought him to this point, and every decision after his death as well. He didn't know what he'd been thinking.

He couldn't really back out now, though. He'd have to explain why, and he could just imagine the disappointment on Kaede's face when she realized what a coward he was. On top of that, the information he was looking for would only be harder to find as time went by. His file would get steadily less relevant. He should take the chance now, knowing that whatever he found could help him through the rest of his not-life.

Unless that information was the catalyst that turned him into a monster. He didn't know why he wasn't one yet, and it was entirely plausible that remembering his death would be the tipping point. Maybe he was putting everyone in danger with this plan.

He could probably have gone on like that indefinitely, worrying himself in circles until he was glad he couldn't be sick, but Kaede stopped just as the buildings lining the street gave way to an open field, effectively cutting him off. They'd arrived. He made himself visible to Kaede and forced a smile. "I guess this is my stop," he said, and immediately regretted thinking he could be funny.

Kaede very kindly didn't react to the failed joke. "I'm proud of you for going through with this," she said. "I think it'll be good for you. Good luck."

And now it was absolutely impossible for Shuichi to back out. He nodded, trying not to think about the warmth in his chest at her words. "Thanks," he said. "See you soon." He curled his hands into fists, made sure he was as invisible as he could make himself, and drifted into the police station.

No one tried to stop him as he went through the lobby, which was probably a good sign. There was a hallway exactly where he'd expected it to be. The records room was behind the first door he checked. It was all according to plan, a fact he decided not to dwell on. He still had to find his file.

He was fully prepared for a lengthy search. He didn't know anything about the filing system, but he'd been dead for a long time at this point. It had been months since Kaede had moved in. His case was presumably either closed or cold. But there was a box lying on a table, clearly in recent use, and it was as good a place to start as any. He needed to go about this methodically if he wanted to be back in an hour.

He opened the box, and there it was. His own name at the top of a manila folder. The file hadn't even gathered any dust.

Shuichi froze. He'd been counting on the tedium of the search to counter the dread of what he would find. He wasn't ready for this.

He wanted so badly to run away. He wanted to keep pretending that nothing was wrong, that he'd always been a ghost and there was nothing to worry about. It would be so easy. He'd just retreat into one of the neighboring apartments, stop interacting with the world, and try to forget about everything he'd be leaving behind.

Hands shaking, he reached into the box. His file was thicker than he'd have liked, suggesting that it did in fact contain photographs. He decided to save those for the end. He didn't want to face his own corpse unprepared. He turned his attention to the written material instead.

The tone of the report was clinical. It was almost detached enough to let Shuichi forget it was about him. There was a brief description of him in the beginning, confirming his suspicions about things like his age, but otherwise, everything was about "the victim." Apparently, the victim in question had been found in the showers in a dorm on Kaede's campus. As he'd assumed, he'd been killed by a knife to the stomach. His right wrist had also been broken. The reason was unclear, as there were no other signs of a struggle.

Shuichi was faintly surprised by how well he was taking the news. Sure, there was a part of him that was utterly panicking, consumed by sadness and fear and despair. But on the surface, he was completely calm. This all made sense. His hands had even stopped shaking.

He turned the page as if in a trance, and was faced with his own corpse. The written description hadn't prepared him for the overt reality of his death.

As Kaede had said, there was a knife sticking out of his stomach. Blood streamed from the wound, staining the floor a lurid pink. There were streaks of blood on the walls surrounding him. His body was slumped against the back wall, unable to support itself. His expression was strangely neutral, almost peaceful, but the incongruity only highlighted the wrongness of it all.

It was too much to take in. Shuichi couldn't figure out where he should look, which bit of horror was the most relevant to his current situation. He kept getting stuck on an innocuous bloodstain on the shower wall. It was practically behind him, and unlike all the other streaks of blood, it seemed to have been smeared horizontally. It wasn't clear how it had gotten there, or why it didn't match the rest of the scene.

A part of him couldn't help but wonder why that would matter. Knowing the details of this one point wouldn't change the overall situation. He was dead, someone had killed him, and no amount of nitpicking would change that.

What had been done to him could not be undone, could not be atoned for, could only be avenged, and vengeance was clearly owed to him for this. He would make them pay, show them the consequences of their failings and their sins made manifest, they would suffer knowing it was no less than they deserved.

The warmth seemed to drain from his vision, leaving the world washed out and dull, revealing it for its true self. There was a tug at the back of his mind, a nagging feeling that there was something he needed to be doing. He ignored it. He had no time for it, there were more important things to do, he'd finally realized his true purpose.

He flipped back to the first page of the report, taking in every last detail of his death, devising ways to use them for his purposes. They would know exactly what had brought about his wrath, they would recognize him and know why he had come, but the knowledge would come too late to save them!

His eye caught a line of text at the bottom of the page, small enough that he'd overlooked it on his first readthrough. He suddenly realized why the file was still in use. The initial report had been filed by one "Detective Saihara."

Warmth flooded back into the world, uncomfortably bright in the light of this new revelation. Of course Shuichi had had a family. He'd been off playing house somewhere, having a great time, and he'd never even considered the people he would have left behind. They must have been close, too, judging by how well he knew the police station. He'd probably come to visit countless times.

There were people who had cared about him, people who loved him and mourned him and kept revisiting his case long after it was likely to yield useful information, and he hadn't spared them a second thought. Even now, he couldn't remember how he was related to this Detective Saihara.

What was wrong with him? How could he be this selfish without even realizing it? He couldn't claim to have forgotten that most people had families.

The folder fell through his fingers. The sound of it hitting the ground seemed deafening in the silence, and he cringed. That was definitely going to show up on the security footage. His only hope was that they didn't watch it very closely.

He bent over to pick up the folder, ready to erase the evidence of his presence, only to pass through it. It took him three tries to muster the focus to become tangible again. Just another way he was a failure as a person, he supposed. He put it back in its box mindlessly, still consumed with self-loathing. How many friends had he abandoned without a second thought?

He still couldn't forget the sight of his own corpse. It kept flashing through his mind, reminding him that he hadn't even come for information about the people who cared about him. He'd only wanted to fulfill his selfish curiosity. Well, now he knew that he'd been stabbed to death in a shower. Amazing.

He shouldn't have come here. There was no point in being obsessed with the truth, not when the truth caused so much pain and solved nothing. He didn't have enough information to reassure his family, he didn't feel any better for knowing the details of his death, he hadn't gained anything. It would have been better if he'd just left it alone.

He shook his head and headed back out of the station. There was no point in keeping Kaede waiting. He didn't need to make anyone else suffer needlessly.

Kaede was sitting on a bench not far from the park entrance, staring into space. She flinched when he appeared to her. Her hand shot towards her phone. Shuichi noticed distantly that Tenko's number was punched in and ready to dial, but before he could comment, she'd switched the phone off. "How'd it go?" she asked.

Shuichi shrugged. He was already fixated on his newfound flaws. The last thing he needed was to say them out loud. It would only make them more concrete.

Kaede's expression softened. She stood up, stretched, and put her phone in her pocket. "Well, let's go home," she said. "You looked exhausted."

Shuichi nodded. It was selfish, but if he could put off telling her the truth for a little longer, he'd gladly pretend to be tired. It wasn't even a total lie. He felt like he could sleep for the next five years. At least that way, he'd be sure he wasn't hurting anyone else.


End file.
